LumiLumi / For parents
Tantrums at 4, 5 and 6: what to do in the moment and after
Tantrums happen most between ages 1 and 3 and tend to get better after 3, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics. If your child is 4, 5 or 6 and still has them, you’re not alone, and there is a lot you can do.
During the tantrum
A child in the middle of a tantrum can’t take in a lesson. The AAP’s advice for the moment is short:
- Stay as calm as you can. Your voice is the thing your child copies.
- Offer a small choice: “Do you want to sit here or on the couch?” A choice gives back a little control.
- Change the scene. Move to another room or step outside.
- Stop hitting or biting right away and say it isn’t okay.
Save the talking for later. Skills are learned on calm days and used on hard ones.
After: three exercises to practice when things are calm
Each one takes about five minutes. Do them a few times when nobody is upset, and your child will have something to reach for next time.
Emotion Thermometer
This exercise teaches children to measure how strong a feeling is, turning it from something overwhelming into something they can understand. Naming the “temperature” of a feeling helps children notice when a feeling is getting too hot and use cooling skills before it takes over.
- Your Inner Thermometer. Explain that each of us has an invisible thermometer inside that shows how “hot” our feelings are. Practice when your child is calm, so they can use it later when feelings are big. For younger kids, use 1 to 5, or show it with your hands: small, medium, big.Say: “Let’s check your feelings thermometer today. It goes from 1 to 10. One means cool and calm, and ten means as hot as a volcano!”
- Set the Scale. Help your child understand the numbers. A 2 might mean feeling a little sad or annoyed. An 8 might mean wanting to stomp, shout, cry, or hide.Say: “Let’s say 1 is very calm, and 10 is the biggest feeling you’ve ever had. Where is your feeling right now? Let’s find the number together.”
- Measure the Visitor. When a strong feeling shows up, ask your child to simply name a number. Looking for the number helps create a little space between your child and the feeling.Say: “I can see a really big feeling is here. Is it a 5, or a 9? You can show me with your fingers.”
- Cooling Action. If the number is higher than 7, offer a cooling action: a few slow breaths, a sip of cold water, squeezing a pillow, or a walk around the room. The goal isn’t to push the feeling away, but to help your child get back the ability to choose what to do.Say: “A 9 is really hot. Let’s take a few slow breaths together so your body can cool down. You can squeeze a pillow too. Then we can figure out what this feeling is trying to tell us.”
- Watch the Number Change. After a few minutes, let your child check the number again. Help them see that feelings change and no feeling stays at 10 forever. If it’s still high, that’s okay. Big feelings can take a while. Try another cooling action.Say: “Let’s check again. What number is it now? Is it the same, lower, or higher? Any number is okay. You’re getting really good at noticing your feelings.”
Snow Globe
Your child imagines being a snow globe. When feelings get big, it’s like someone shook the globe, and thoughts swirl around like glitter. By staying as still as they can and breathing slowly, your child watches the glitter settle on its own. The glitter doesn’t disappear. It just settles at the bottom. A real snow globe or glitter jar works especially well for younger kids. Practice on calm days first, so it’s easier to use when feelings get big.
- Shake the Globe. Show your child a snow globe or glitter jar, or ask them to imagine one. Shake it together and watch the glitter fly around. Explain that when feelings get big, our thoughts can swirl just like this.Say: “Look at all that glitter flying around! That’s what it can feel like inside when you’re upset. Lots of thoughts, all spinning at once.”
- Watch the Glitter Swirl. Name a few “glitter thoughts” together. Keep it light. Each sparkle can be a thought, a worry, or a busy feeling. There’s no need to fix any of them.Say: “Each sparkle is like a thought. What thoughts are spinning around in your head right now? Let’s name a couple.”
- Be Still Like a Globe. Invite your child to stay as still as they can, like a snow globe sitting on a shelf. Perfect stillness isn’t the goal. Wiggles are okay. Breathe slowly together.Say: “Let’s be snow globes on a shelf. Stay as still as you can. Wiggles are okay! Breathe in slowly. Now breathe out slowly.”
- Let It Settle. Watch the glitter slowly float down, in the real jar or in your imagination. Point out that the glitter doesn’t disappear. It’s all still inside the globe. It just settles at the bottom. Thoughts can work the same way.Say: “Look, the glitter is floating down, little by little. It’s not gone. It’s just resting at the bottom. Your thoughts can rest there too.”
- A Clear View. When most of the glitter has settled, notice together how much easier it is to see through the globe. Ask an open question about how your child feels now. If the glitter is still swirling, that’s okay too.Say: “Now we can see through the globe again. How do you feel inside now? If it still feels swirly, that’s okay. We can wait a little longer.”
Candle Breathing
This playful breathing exercise teaches children to slow down their body with a long, gentle breath out. It helps when a restless or worried feeling shows up and gives your child a simple way to feel steady again. Practice it first when your child is calm, so it’s easier to use when feelings are big.
- The Magic Candle. Ask your child to hold up one finger as a pretend candle.Say: “Let’s pretend your finger is a magic candle. What color is it today? Look at the little flame. It wiggles with even the tiniest breath.”
- Gentle Breath In. Before breathing toward the candle, take a slow breath in through the nose. It doesn’t need to be big. The slow breath out is what matters most.Say: “Put your hand on your belly. Breathe in gently through your nose. You don’t need a huge breath. Just a nice, slow one.”
- Make the Flame Dance. Now breathe out slowly through softly rounded lips. The goal is not to blow the candle out, but to make the flame gently move.Say: “Now breathe out very slowly, like you want the flame to dance but not go out. Long and gentle. That’s it.”
- Breathe with the Visitor. If your child is upset, name the feeling you notice and invite it to sit nearby and watch the candle breathing.Say: “Looks like Worry came to watch. Worry likes fast, puffy breaths. Let’s show it our slow, gentle breath.”
- A Quiet Moment. After 5–7 breaths, pause and ask your child what they notice in their body.Say: “One last slow breath, and now we softly blow the candle out. Close your eyes for a second. What do you notice in your body now? It’s okay if nothing changed.”
Before: fewer tantrums to begin with
- Watch for the usual triggers: hunger, tiredness, a rushed transition.
- Notice the good moments out loud. Kids repeat what gets attention.
- Keep the rules the same from day to day.
When to talk to the pediatrician
Bring it up at the next visit if tantrums are getting more frequent or more intense as your child gets older, if your child hurts themselves or others, or if you’re simply worried. That’s what the visit is for.
Related guides: tantrums at 2 and 3, a calm-down corner for after the storm, and a printable feelings chart for naming what happened.
Lumi is a set of self-help exercises for families. It isn’t a treatment and doesn’t replace a pediatrician or a child psychologist. If you’re worried about your child’s safety, call 988 or your local emergency number.
Sources
- Top Tips for Surviving Tantrums, American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org.
Questions parents ask
Is it normal for a 5-year-old to have tantrums?
Tantrums happen most between ages 1 and 3 and tend to get better after 3, but many kids still have them at 4, 5 and 6, especially when tired, hungry or rushed. Talk to your pediatrician if they are getting worse with age or your child hurts themselves or others.
What should I do during a tantrum?
Stay calm, offer a small choice, change the scene, and stop hitting or biting right away. Leave the talking for later, when your child is calm.
How do I teach my child to calm down?
Practice a simple skill on calm days, such as slow breathing or naming how big the feeling is from 1 to 5, so your child can use it when feelings get big.
